c.

i thought today

what is today? two years since

this

no

a year since

that

no

glanced at the newspaper over my shoulder

looking for clues

only to find that

the president likes to use the occasional diet cleanse

and that

an off duty officer

shot a playing dog

for some reason

unknown

this week was also the same week i felt the need

to read

and tremble

and shiver

and grow

bumps

for the first time

(in awhile)

i felt it

i felt her

and she felt me

or maybe i was right in thinking she feels nothing

but my absence

i would be ok with that

i know when i am lacking

and i have been lacking

with her

for sometime

and the truth is

or at least could be

that i have been so jaded by new beginnings

excited by unusual opportunities

and she is so good at detaching herself

(i think even she would be jealous)

isolation and loosened ties of the things

she only wishes she could

leave behind

i just can't

keep up

sometimes

but i am always reading

always feeling

and then

i remembered

or rather, she reminded me

in passing

(thank you)

and here i am again

on this island

with her

and her (i need to see you very soon)

and her

and him

(and him.

of course him.

that is the reason we were all there

after all)

with her tears and her tan

and her tears for her

and his sounds

and her sounds

(pining for his)

and the lake

and the line of those attached

the ship in the fog

and those leaves

and their one entity

bound together like the hands

saying

here i am!

and how i felt

in the sand dancing and the freedom

and how she must have felt

because i felt

no sense of time

and there was

some eternal greatness that i hope

i get to feel again

someday

among grass and green

and blue

i knew i'd always remember that day

and i do

think of it often

so many half finished

objects of admiration

meant from the best place

that i have

i have so many apologies

but she understands

she gets me in a way

i don't get myself

i am not sure if she even realizes this

i hope the years get easier

softer

milder

growing in celebration

like how i am sure that tree looks now

still crooked and bent

but fuller with

life

and

colour

and

strength

happy birthday, c.

(i look to you for the strength that is

occasionally

lost)

9:09 AM

C H I L D R E N

I want to love what was lost

I want to keep going

It was always uncomfortable to listen to

The pining was always there

Hearing his beat always kept me in that place I need

Seeing him there made my toes curl and the lump in my throat grow

with each hit

Most say that but not in the way that you think

I have been wanting to be there with him for as long as I have known him

And then I was and it was exactly how id imagined it

And when he spoke it was better than I could have possibly

Imagined

it

And I wanted to be there

All the time

When I was not

And outside of that place and all the exchanges in between

Damaged the flourish of what was growing

We couldn't convince ourselves of its beauty

I am getting back there slowly

Because we were there and we saw

The freedom

He didn't but

He wished he was

in close proximity so that he

could

And I will never leave you behind

Mark my words here

I will never leave you behind

You would never leave me behind

and here we are again

back to reality

back to basics

back to love without word and hearty throat fondness mind fuck

back to cursing without apology

back to plugging in with the buzz

without hysteria

with analytics

without

pedestals

i like to go back and forth

i dont often give unless i want

to

get

and i'm sorry

for that

and i'm sorry

there isn't room for us both

you say

and i'm sorry

that i like it here

and that

i wouldn't want to leave

even if i could

and its never felt so good

Grassy homes and windows of mesh
No socks on the door but zippers were zipped
And he sat alone out there for a while
And I laid inside with the others
Belligerent still from the night before
Smelling of breath and grass
And air and sound
Oh the sound
Sitting in that trailer dimmed by vibration
And the way she looked as she watched me listen
She watched the sound move around me
While I felt it brush my hair
And kiss my lashes
While it entered my body and spoke to me everything it had
Truth
I wanted to close my eyes
But I wanted to watch her more
I laughed so much
Laughed til my ribs bruised
Laughed out a sound
I hadn't heard in years
Cheeks streaked with tears
She is always listening
I thought of her while I was there
Thought how she'd enjoy this kind
Of thing
(Though I'm sure she is sick
Of living outside)
But the drums lit up
And the moths circled above
It was too cold apparently
But I thought it was beautiful anyway
And when they landed and buzzed
I wished I wasn't so drunk
I slept soundly that night
After confessions and (truth?)
I hope
I feel lucky to know some people
Sad that others don't
I wish we could always be that free
And when we laid together that night
He strummed quietly
Strummed him to sleep
And he didn't even notice me
Blowing into the harmonica beside him

broken winged bird

lots of holding, lots of touching, lots of giving too much

she said

lots of moulding, lots of clutching; lacks getting too much

instead

lots of soaked sad fills, lots of high pitched shrills, lots of spoken word

love filled might

lots of happy-sad pills; artificial thrills,

off goes the broken winged bird

out of sight.

Street car mornings broken up by
Bicycles
I feel spiders crawling all over me
More often than usual
And when i think of them now i feel
Less spite
more yearning
More love
Less earning
She is leaving and
I was supposed to go with her
It never did sink in anyway
Something about the one
Never added up to the other
Backed by confessions
Of love
Each of them
To eachother
To me
Swapped in confessions nobody
(not even them)
Knew could be empty
The switch came unexpected
Felt strange
It feels right now
This forced idea where we should be
Is only visiting me now and for them
It happened months ago
Sporadic and intermittent
Here we go
More long weekends
Big groups crumble
Like the sand through our hands
Grabbed up from where we
(will)
Sit
I still fall in love with everybody I meet
Though
And I don't see that changing
Anytime
Soon

July

Droopy leaves in the evening
Reaching out in the morning
Living by the sun
I seem to function oppositely
These days
Lots of dreaming
Lots of neglect
Of the the things
Which keep me sane

She misses paper
I get what she means
Strange robot companions
And enjoying their company
Make me feel disconnected
From where I come from
Or at least
Where I've always
wished I could be
All that said though
I know I will always return
To the pen
Breathing out is
Breathing out and
I am not worried

He's eager and
making me happy
Is seemingly becoming
something
He doesn't have to work so hard at
It seems
I'm smiling more
like the outreached
Leaves
And yet the soaked sad feels
Seem to flow for a reason
I am watching things change
From the outside this time
And I'm feeling a growth
That I want to embrace

He tells me lies
That I want to believe
But I'm grateful for
The ones he's willing to
Make
And he told me
While watching Joan and bob
That he thinks of me
And the worthwhile struggle
The innate need
To make
I felt a little sad
A Little lacking
Makes me want
To do it for him

It felt good to go there
Even the clouds didn't
Change the love
Of that place
Rock chairs and tables
Everchanging
Evolution
Painted chess set ideas and
Rock pieces that double
For checkers too
It would be nice
to paint
That board all white
we never did get around
to painting anything
though

skimming through old thoughts i find half thought ideas left for an opportunity to voice them.
most lacking in substance and the context has escaped me. but then:

old lady kisses my cheek and calls me a sweet girl

(write this)

i remember her. i approached her table apprehensively at first. the crowd at that place was always superior in age and in taste, so it would seem.
she had blondish hair specked with white and sat in a wheelchair. she was small, nails painted purple and her eye colour seemed to be a bright blue for a time.

who am i kidding? i can't picture her face at all. her presence stays with me, however.

we waited in the back and swapped tables from lost bets and wished the others luck with the exceptionally difficult ones.
slapping on a smile became a lot easier than you might think (even for me).
i learned to take some small amount of joy in responding to a harsh remark with a smile; a relentless sorry.
i learned it usually makes the harshness seem so foul.
the exchange extra sweet.

she sat with her daughter and grandson. three orders of the three items void from the stock.
relentless sorries.
i expected the worst but received the best.
sometimes verbal tipping can be just as sweet.
they ordered desserts - out of those too.
i gave them something they didn't ask for.
relentless sorries.
its easy to put on a smile at times but what i feel during each exchange is undoubtedly real.

'thank you so much; have a great day.'

"wait. come here, dear." she said to me.

she grabbed my arm and pulled me in with more strength than i'd expected her to have.
She kissed me on the cheek and her glassy eyes looked like they might explode.

"you are such a sweet girl. Thank you."

all this text without a face, seems so insignificant to some. talk to my face, sleep next to me and forget your throaty thoughts spewed from your fingers; exaggerated theories and half filled thoughts outliving our bodies and our minds. i am told this stuff doesn't (shouldn't) matter. tell me what does.

this matters to me.

i have sound to touch moments now. but we are all grasping to hold onto something.

faceless friends bring out the best in me and its not because i'm afraid of the eyes.
this is all we have. our persons will die and what we choose to share (in the way we are able) will live forever.

four books in filled with belligerent scribbles and half written prose. this is me. it will be read someday when i am long gone.

this time

I wake up often in the night now
Something has changed
I cannot sleep as soundly as I used to
Or maybe it's simply
Little kidney shrinking further
I woke the morning after
Throbbing skull; dry tongue
We are not so different I thought
To the little girl sleeping on his pillow
I felt different all morning
Robotic movements though
I could feel every inch of me
We seemed so calm
So easy, so perfect for each other
I like moments like these
Walked to the store
Felt stripped of something
I remembered the stiff metal
Chipped with stories
She presented it in a way
That was so like I imagined
I remember long ago
Thinking of these gifts. Thinking
That I would be the recipient of such
Treasure someday
I wore it always
She was on my wrist
And in my back pocket
that night
I never told her
I guess I just thought she'd know
She knows now, anyway
I am trying to not think
Too much about waking that morning
With naked wrists
Though I feel it will find me
again
Funny to be so confident
Losing things seem to be
Something I am best at
Perhaps this is different
Perhaps it lost me
This time