i am so tired of pretending something is there.
trying to grasp something tangible
(i have never been good at it)
i've always been better at fantasizing
romanticizing
and being let down when i don't
let anything pan out.

over exaggerated smiles and two hugs in one welcome.
old faces of old family friends and genuine interest in life's succession.
leonard cohen's voice echoing over the lawn.
i'm reminded of my love for this place.
unchanging; at least on this particular day.
green grass. bees & wasps. golfballs driven into the water.
some retrieved, some lost forever (or maybe only a short time).
a dead bird,
gin & tonics, or with the fizz,
a restored engine, flooded blow-up boats,
a freshly shaved cat enjoying the outdoors.
two inside peering enviously through the glass.
foxes bounding across the lawn;
from the rock wall they've made their home.
for the most part the smile came & stayed by itself.
day three feels like age sixteen
when i feel the burden return to them again.
the burden that was (supposed) to leave with
teenage years
(but has only grown with age in destructiveness).
alone in the loving place.
trying (and failing) to keep the smile,
overshot the welcome; a day too late.
i need a break (so do they),
parted without a single hug
this time.

i miss him