stick a fork in me

I know i am capable of forgiveness because he taught me.

him,

with his thick rims wrapped in plaid

i used to (pretend to)

call home. he looked much different then;

(bodies fluctuate)

and

clothing changes.

though me, i've had the same tattered shirt with the same King since then, and these boots I've taken back from the garage remind me where I've been.

and when you hold me now and then i feel the way your knuckles felt that day

in The Rain

and well,

i had no choice but to run with London Calling and

i did and it was the best for me; though It frightens me to think where I'd be if distance played no part

but I'm glad it did

and when I heard from you for the first in months you told me my heart was big and

my massive pain threshold would take me places and it has

i guess

i can really love someone

i can really, really love someone

i can love you wholly and i will and i do, most of the time. I am a fan of the quiet and the lull between words and i can sit in silence for hours. words have never meant all that much to me.

at least hearing them. though really, silence.

i can sit in loudness for hours too and in fact, that combat cacophony i hear almost daily sometimes makes for the sweetest, sullen moments in mine, and i've fallen asleep next to a buzzing amp with kicking drums too many times to count.

and then there was that time on the cold deck near the water, four hours away from a race soaked in skin and head wrapped in latex, with the whistles and the gunshots, the screams and the splashes. visualizing at first and then. silence. and then.

sleep.

i'd much rather be pulled than pushed and being pushed twice is more times than i seem to be able to handle. And the endless empty packs of his smoke and this half chewed apple make up for lost time in my mind. Sitting on the spout, a fantasy hand-hammered dock outstretched over the water. Thats his dream. I want that for him. She wants to be famous (I don't). I want that for her. He wants her (at least for a little bit) so he should have her. She should have each mind and body she wants and she will get them as long as she asks. Let her have them. Let them have whatever they want. Just don't let them have the parts of me i'll never get back, unless they're going to Stick a Fork In Me first.