perhaps

i don't know where i'm going and i don't know when i'll get there

(i won't get there, and neither will you, but the fight of the journey will make us think we're making progress).

some places i'd like to be, and others i think i could do without.

perhaps because i've been there

and don't intend on ever going back.

with you maybe that is out of reach, and i am confident one day i will reach a something that will tell me

yes or no

stay or go

i am at least that confident in myself

my innate need to do what my heart wants

ignoring all the no's

and the signs to run

run

and never come back

i always have lived by the heart

despite being blinded by how i got to be like this

unlearned, just born

taught myself everything is worth sacrificing

for even a little bit of

love

i know i don't have much control over this

but i know the answer will come

eventually

i sat and waited a lot this weekend

i waited for you but mostly

i waited for me

let my body control my steps

i watched the water with my camera but didn't capture it

kept it in my mind and asked myself to remember

pleaded with myself to let go

and leave

he took a picture

i smoked while i pondered things

i'm always pondering things

rarely doing much with the conclusions i draw

don't do much with most things i draw

and while you slept i realized many things

he told me i was the best you've had

the best for you

i told him that was sweet and once

that would have been enough

but

not anymore

though i did cry a little

i torture myself most and there isn't much room

for much more of that

especially not from pockets of love

i spent the night with him

and her and her and her father

old friends of a love and

they spent their time with him through me

asking things i couldn't answer

same old guy

playing the part

i wonder why he hurts so bad

i wonder why he hates me

(sometimes)

i wonder when i'll get the strength

i need