05

sometime in may, bound in blankets, tired, and tile-d from the bathroom floor, i washed my face and exited, attempted slumbers next to a body i used to live in. Pupils peering in directions of my drips the moment i entered; my third eye heard it before she said it, "oh. we thought you were crying," . A forced laugh pushed out of me and my two normal eyes flickered at my own dishonesty. Funny how familiar it can feel each time despite being shocked at the way my tongue moves like clock-work.

"i am here" was the message received shortly after. still bound and tile-d, it was one of the few times i recall feeling a hug that i couldn't actually touch. I cried about wanting another manhattan, but i just wanted the laughter. Or the choice. There, I felt Understood, and thrusted forcefully at our opposite battery-ends. I sat in the hall way for sometime. He pushed. I asked him not to. He obliged. He went to sleep that night feeling helpless, but when he awoke he felt normal again, like clock-work.

when i returned home i cried in the kitchen and he held me, and that was one of the few times i've accepted an embrace and let it engorge me in a state where i could barely stand. He never asked me why, because he already knew. I called her for impending sounds-stirring because for once i knew i could. what i mean by that is, i know i always could. but, for the first it felt solid, strong, untouchable, past the point of too-good-to-be-true-touching-and-holding-believing-it-could-be-dropped-at-any-moment-fleeting-feeling, onto hands-held-through-storms-and-a-silent hug-bound-and-tile-d. Our timings were impeccable. I think i always had one foot out the door (i think i always have one foot out the door) but i swear at the time i didn't think i did. I thought i gave you everything i had - i would have even given you my body. But i guess I did; if i didn't my longer lasting-s and those who can vouch for my youth would be able to, and i wouldn't have needed a spare hard-drive to show a past chapter. I thought i learned how to hold more; offering a finger to each outreached hand--- but, then it was gone; like clock-work.