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9:09 am (again)

He told me he plays the part well
Feels nothing but guilt and even that
He thinks
Is conscious
Sitting on those wooden planks
J and I exchanged stories of M
Bellies aching at his coarse walking
Laugh-track
His strange sweet stink
Impossible to join in
She is someone I have
Never had to try with
And with him! Forever ago
I knew he was something
Taking A's word for it
(i always do)
He sure is something
For some sad soul who
Sinks and slithers among his own
Man-made sin
And the other, ha...
Maybe women really are that powerful
My heart swells at the kindness
Of these people
He says he feels nothing but
Can play the part pretty damn well
I think I feel too much but
I didn't tell him that
Or that I fall in love with many
And that i fell in love right there

Or that

I play the part pretty well
Myself too sometimes

It was one exchange really but
For the evening it felt
Like we were friends
We were all friends
And this paper in my hand fawned
Over with my ringless fingers
Fit for fucking behind something
A consummate course of action
behind that fat drunk laying in his own vomit
(his own piss)
They dragged him
For their own concern
And I missed his goodbye the next day
But the other hugged me twice
Buried his head in my shoulder
And I remember feeling like
I wanted to cry out of a sweet miss

And I realized I've only met him

A handful of times

hey there

hi how are you?

And speaking of babies

There was that one in the enclosure
Glass separating us like-beings
So close in age
I touched the glass and she touched my hand
Made her hairy hands round her eyes
Matching my face
Big bottlepops covering
Crossed eyes

I wore glasses
As a baby

Children have always been drawn to me
Their eyes match mine and I always thought it was due to the size of

them
In proportion to theirs
Same big eyes on a big round head
But I'm starting to think they see who I am
Round like a cats communicate
With blinks
Just the same
I met a baby this weekend who had the same eyes as I did
No one made the connection (even me) but they shared the same roundness
Same colour
Same deep pools of wonder
A child so young her eyes should still be blue
They peered around the room matching each of them as they entered
"where's mumma?!"
She giggled and she banged her head off of tables
At least twice that I saw and I never once saw her cry
When her eyes finally met mine she stared,
Unsure
A familiar stranger perhaps
She wasn't shy
Just quiet
And curious
I puffed and watched her back
Amazed at how much I've forgotten
Bewildered by just how human she was
Her words reminded me

He said they can't remember
And it breaks my heart
That he can't

perhaps thats why

it seems he's always searching

Suppressed memories of
The purest part of a time

Well,
I remember
And I'm sure she does too

perhaps

i don't know where i'm going and i don't know when i'll get there

(i won't get there, and neither will you, but the fight of the journey will make us think we're making progress).

some places i'd like to be, and others i think i could do without.

perhaps because i've been there

and don't intend on ever going back.

with you maybe that is out of reach, and i am confident one day i will reach a something that will tell me

yes or no

stay or go

i am at least that confident in myself

my innate need to do what my heart wants

ignoring all the no's

and the signs to run

run

and never come back

i always have lived by the heart

despite being blinded by how i got to be like this

unlearned, just born

taught myself everything is worth sacrificing

for even a little bit of

love

i know i don't have much control over this

but i know the answer will come

eventually

i sat and waited a lot this weekend

i waited for you but mostly

i waited for me

let my body control my steps

i watched the water with my camera but didn't capture it

kept it in my mind and asked myself to remember

pleaded with myself to let go

and leave

he took a picture

i smoked while i pondered things

i'm always pondering things

rarely doing much with the conclusions i draw

don't do much with most things i draw

and while you slept i realized many things

he told me i was the best you've had

the best for you

i told him that was sweet and once

that would have been enough

but

not anymore

though i did cry a little

i torture myself most and there isn't much room

for much more of that

especially not from pockets of love

i spent the night with him

and her and her and her father

old friends of a love and

they spent their time with him through me

asking things i couldn't answer

same old guy

playing the part

i wonder why he hurts so bad

i wonder why he hates me

(sometimes)

i wonder when i'll get the strength

i need

A request

Body don't fail me, please

what more can i say

want to scream

please, for me

please, for me

strange type of

narcissus

i need you or

i lose me

Still; or something like it

Sometimes I can't believe:

My heart is still beating

My lungs are still breathing

My neck; it still stands

Sometimes I can't believe:

My cheeks are still gleaming

My gums are still bleeding

My hair; it still grows

Sometimes I can't believe:

My tongue is still tasting

My skin is still baking

My mouth; it still speaks

Sometimes I can't believe:

My eyes are still seeing

My ears are still hearing

My brain; it still wakes.

Sometimes I think:

When it stops you will read.

When it stops you will listen.

When it stops you will wonder

How I knew.

Here

How can I live Here
Here where fear itself

can

Kill you
Censored living

and

new disease

spurting out through
Talking screens
And I'm too afraid to
Know either way
So I just go on
Believing
Waiting to be told
It's too late

i am always the last one up.